9.8.2009

I’m up at 5:00am this morning because I can’t sleep thinking about all the unnecessary space I’m taking up in the universe. Not just the emotional and spiritual space but the digital and physical space, and how sometimes I just feel like one big human cog clog. And then what’s worst still is when I think about all the millions of other people in the world who have the same exact problem. It makes me sick. It makes me see how far I have strayed from the possibility of a simpler life.

This whole digital age of no boundaries and no limits has only proven that we have no idea when to stop. I don’t anyway. It’s like we’re a bunch of toddlers gone mad. The digital age has only made the commercial monster hungrier and more vicious. I own shit I don’t even know about. That shit has seeped into my creative cracks and will not allow me to move, just sits here in my arteries, in my heart, ready to explode or in my mind just spreading roots of stagnation. I think I’m creating something but it’s really just a template that looks like everyone else’s myspace page like a musician writing an original piece or wait, is just the commercial jingle he heard earlier on the radio. I get scared. I am not used to this. I am in it and it is taking me over but aren’t I still human? What does that even mean in a future focused on oblivion? Will I survive? Will I go my own way? What is that? Is that more than just a marketing tool? “My own way” brought to you by Coca-Cola? Is it more than just what my parents taught me? My own way.

Cyborgs don’t sleep. They can’t and they don’t care about it. Am I becoming some type of animated mannequin? Not quite. But I feel so often this is the goal for so many of us or the goal set up for us by the system that feeds on our souls. The goal of never having to leave the home for anything, to be virtual, to be remote, to be digital. These are all the daily keywords of our lives. And are we more satisfied? Are we more intelligent, compassionate, self loving? Do we really produce anything but more waste?

Where is this all headed?

I need a rotary phone, some stationary and an answering machine, pencils, paper and a roll of film again. I need something ancient to make me feel real.